Transcription:
In some religions things are done very slowly, but they only have a day in which they come together and then they go back to work and they really never have an opportunity to reflect on the loss, how it’s impacted on them and their family, and to reflect on the preciousness of the relationship that they’ve had with that person. And I do a lot of work, a lot of interfaith work, and that’s what many people from other religions have said to me, that they admire what Jewish tradition does surrounding loss. First of all, the fact that we try to bury someone as soon as we can so that we can start moving forward with the bereaved to give them comfort and solace, but also that we can be of support to them, whether it’s through meals, through chances of reflecting on the lives of their loved ones, having so many people there. One of the things that people tell me constantly is that there were so many people who came for the Shiva, people who they haven’t been in touch with for quite some time, maybe people from school or people who they haven’t known, who they haven’t really been with for a long, long time. But how much it means to them that people took time from their busy schedules to be there and to help them. So I think sitting in Shiva is something that is so important, so beautiful, because it’s a way of supporting people and giving them a structure to their lives when things are in such disarray. That’s what Shiva does for people. There’s the opportunity for people to gather together, to reflect. It’s not a time, in a sense, for a party, but it’s a time to really think about the relationship that you had with your parents, with your brothers, whomever it might be, and for others to come and to share their memories. Sometimes people may not have known some of the memories that others share because they didn’t know that dimension of their parents’ life, for example. But that’s something that gives them such comfort to know a little bit more broadly about their loved one. So that’s something that’s so very helpful to people, is to share and to learn more about their loved one. They think they may have known so much, but they find that they can learn so much more about their loved one. Shiva, as you may know, comes from the Hebrew word Sheva, which means seven. So we do so for an entire week except for Shabbat. It’s not even really seven days because we don’t sit on Shabbat itself, and on that last day we get up, we conclude Shiva in the morning. So it’s technically, in the end, could be five days. Whereas a visitation could be just for a few hours on one day. There are so many people who want to come, especially if it’s somebody who has lived in the community for such a long time, who want to be there, who want to share memories and share time, that they want to ensure that they have that chance. It’s also the opportunity that we have for services, so that we can say Kaddish, mourner’s Kaddish, as a community with the person who has suffered that loss. So again, another ritual that shows that we are there for them as they remember their loved one. So again, the whole idea of Shiva is not just an afternoon or maybe a day or two, but for a series of days as part of a Shiva, a full week. We are not there to do for ourselves, the community is there to help support us. So we bring meals and we help to serve the meals for people. And one of the things that happens sometimes is that there’s a sheet and all the meals are signed up for. But what I tell people is that you can also give a family a meal afterwards as well for Shabbat or for another week, because they’ll also need that comfort and help afterwards. So it’s not just during that week when you can give them a meal, but it’s afterwards as well. And the same thing is for a visit, that people like the opportunity to continue. Shiva sometimes is just so many people or things are in such disarray emotionally. But if you say that I’m going to call you in a few weeks, they’ll really appreciate that opportunity to talk and to continue. So yes, there are these moments during Shiva, but they can continue. And what several people have talked to me about is that they haven’t, until they’ve suffered or lost themselves, they haven’t realized just how important it is to connect with a person and how meaningful it is, whether it’s again during the Shiva or afterwards as well, is to have maintained those relationships with that friend.