Transcription:
Jewish practice has five stages of mourning. There is the Onen, which is one who is absolved from all mitzvahs of the Torah as soon as one has passed away, and to be preoccupied solely with the burial, the immediate burial of one’s loved one. After the burial, we transition into the next phase, which is the shiva. The shiva is a seven day period, including the day of burial, where one has to stop. One’s world stops. The first Sunday is not the same. The first Monday is not the same. The first Tuesday is not the same. We make a statement that our world has stopped, and because of this passing, we will do nothing except for reflect, engage in mourning, and live life on a much smaller level out of respect for who this person really was. The shiva process kicks in as soon as the burial finishes. As such, the rabbi will usually ask for two lines to be formed and the immediate mourners walk through, where we give the traditional, comforting words of hamakom, yanachemet, chemical, betochshar, aveilatesiy, and V’Rishleim, which translates as that God should comfort you. Who is better to comfort us than God at this very grieving moment, amidst and amongst all of the jewish people? And we reflect on our history and the destruction of the temple and destruction of Jerusalem, to become part of something much bigger. So, as hard as it is to hear words in its early stages, and some have the tradition not to visit Shiva houses immediately, to allow for the mourners to process a little bit of the shock that they’ve gone through, we want to engage the Shiva right away, and that begins that process. Some have the tradition to switch out of leather shoes, so that over the Shiva period, the halacha teaches us to not have anything leather and to be almost like, soulful, like, in a way, and mournful in a way. To sit on low chairs, to absolve ourselves from any business transactions, travels, and whatnot. To just sit, receive guests, reflect, and in a way, celebrate soulfully our loved one’s life. Whether or not there’s ten mourners or one mourner, we always use a plural statement. Hav hamakom, yanachem, etchem. God should comfort you. But in Hebrew, it’s always plural. Because in every shiva house, there’s at least two mourners. There’s two people mourning. One, the immediate mourner who you’ve come. But many people don’t realize that a Shiva house also comes to play a pivotal role in the soul of the person who passed away. The soul is still alive. The soul is going through its next phase. It needs comfort, too. So while we could give someone who’s mourning a hug, embrace them, share with them words, it’s a body to body hug. We need to give the soul of the person who’s passed away also a hug. But that has to be a soulful one. And that’s why in a shiva house, in a mourner’s house, traditionally, we do soulful things, like commit to tzedakah, have prayers, say the kaddish, and learn, particularly a mishnah, which carries the same letters of Nishama soul, to uplift and comfort the soul in its next phase. So a shiva house is a very sensitive place. It’s a place of humility. It’s a place where mortality hits us, and we have to be really sensitive to the traditions and the customs that have been set forth. Bye our ancestors that have guided us in the respect of how we evaluate, process and say goodbye to physical life down here. Other traditions have celebrations and parties. We mourn the loss of a single human being down here in this world, not by not celebrating the elements of their life, but by making a bold statement that no one is replaceable. And as such, there is a void. And when there’s a void, we feel it deeply. So when one visits a shiva house, one should take the utmost of caution to be silent, to sit with the mourner, to share words of reflection, stories that are purposeful, stories that, or impactful of the person’s life, and not to necessarily schmooze or socialize in a shiva house. That’s not the place for it per se. If one comes for prayers, that’s a sign of support, to help with the minion and the service. But even if one comes at a different period of time, it’s important for us to realize that we want to be there with them silently. The greatest comfort one could give someone who is sitting Shiva is to stand there silent, shoulder to shoulder, soul to soul. That’s how we start. If the mourner engages with us and asks for us to share reflections or stories, it’s incumbent for us to do it with sensitivity, with heartfulness, and with soulfulness. Socializing happens when times are good. We’re very sensitive to the way people feel and the way the soul needs to be comforted. In the process of Shiva, life is synonymous with purity, and purity is synonymous with life. When something is void of physical life, we feel that. It’s a statement for us to say that it is impure, which means to say, there is a lack of purity, because it’s not a pejorative thing. If anything, it’s a statement that we want life, we want purity, and as such, in various different traditions. But when it comes to the end of life and there’s a lack of life, whether it’s a house of mourners coming to a house of mourners from a cemetery, or going to visit a cemetery, traditionally, we wash our hands with water. Water is a sign of life. And we’re making a statement that the impurity, the place void of life that we just experienced gets washed off from our hands as we go in, back into transition, back into life, soul and body. Shiva is a beautiful process, but a very exhausting process. As a rabbi in a community, I get people really begging for people to stop visiting as much as they want it. It’s a juxtaposition of feelings. On the one hand, you want so many people to come in. On the other hand, it’s really hard to entertain. There are a lot of components that could help a person do the right tradition, and that is to sit Shiva. The word shiva means seven. That an entire week cycle, we abstain from doing anything except for reflecting and mourning the void that is in our life. One key area that would help people not feel that exhausted through this process is to accelerate the time when the funeral happens. Sometimes people say, well, I need to get my ducks lined up. I need to get everything in order. So let’s wait a day or two or three until everything is perfect, and then we’ll have the funeral. But by that time, that would have been day number four, potentially, and the shiva process. One should accelerate the time for a funeral as soon as possible. There are rare exceptions where we have to wait for an immediate loved one to come into town, and that’s important. But as soon as the funeral happens, we can go into a shiva. Now, during a shiva, we don’t need to entertain and feed people that walk in. There’s a misconception that we have to order food for a thousand people that walk through the house. Really, the immediate family needs to eat three meals a day. They need strength and they need health. But if one sits in a specific designated area, particularly on a lower chair, could be on a couch as well, without the cushions, and spends most of the day allowing people to come to them and to speak and to reflect at the designated hours. That helps the process of not feeling exhausted. When people are standing up and walking around and entertaining and hugging, it becomes exhausting to do that from morning to night. That’s one particular issue. Another area which would help people through this process is designating specific times to welcome people. One doesn’t have to see people from 07:00 a.m. to 09:00 p.m. or 10:00 p.m. you can have specific times. Shiva is a personal thing, but it’s also celebrated communally. You can have a designated hour or hours by way of which you could have people over pending who’s sitting Shiva and what the circumstances are. But don’t feel bad if you need to limit those hours, and that’ll help. You have the strength to be able to visit people at its designated hours, but also to be together with your immediate loved ones or yourself as you process this new transition of life.